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We
all know what it feels like to treat others this way and to be treated
like this—as a device rather than a person. It is very painful and, at
the same time, very ordinary. You can tell when someone is looking right
at you but not seeing you at all. They see their projection and, when
you match it, there is harmony. When you diverge, there is discomfort.
We all do this to others, all day long.
One
definition of generosity in relationships is this: turn the projector
off,. Continuously set the intention and make the effort to separate the
person you love from your projections about who they are and who you
think they ought to be. Instead of holding them to your ideals, let down
your guard. Open to them as they are. Release your agenda over and
over. This is an incredibly generous thing to do.
Discipline
When
many people hear the term discipline in the context of a relationship,
they think that what is meant is a strict adherence to a system of
thought that, if observed diligently, will resolve emotional conflicts.
Some
systems contain wonderful counsel, such as advocating that couples
always seek to compromise, or make sure to spend enough time together
(or apart), or that they observe the same rituals or religion. But while
these suggestions can be useful, they don’t seem to have anything to do
with love. When done with an agenda, even the agenda to create a better
relationship, actions fail to connect with love’s transcendent
properties.
I
propose an alternative view of discipline. Discipline in a relationship
is to work with each individual situation that arises with integrity
and openness, and also to take the largest view possible of the
relationship itself, over and over. This view is rooted in trust in each
other’s basic sanity, that over and above our inadequacies, we each
possess a kind of brilliance.
When
you and your beloved trust in each other’s goodness and basic sanity
first and the truth of your flaws second, there is the possibility that
the difficulties you experience will self-liberate. So when you find
yourself becoming mired in a theory about why a difficulty has arisen,
try this. Don’t abandon the theory. Look at it. Examine your views. Take
them seriously. Then let them go. The discipline here is to come back
to your beloved with open eyes and to see them as they are right now,
without having an agenda to change them.
Patience
Patience
doesn’t just mean tolerance for your beloved’s frailties, nor does it
mean maintaining hope in the face of repeating arguments over the exact
same issues. It has more to do with tolerance for your own frailties
first, a willingness to take on and work with your own mind. You could
say that all relationship difficulties begin with the unwillingness to
face our own emotions. It is painful to me when I feel inadequate,
unappreciated, invisible—and this pain is real. However, it is a mistake
(i.e. not helpful) to assign responsibility for my feelings to my
husband, no
matter how much of a jerk I may perceive him to be in any given moment.
Patience has more to do with becoming solely and always responsible for
my emotional reactions.
The sitting practice of meditation is the most direct method I know for adapting such a relationship to your own inner life. I’m
pretty sure that without it I wouldn’t have been able to make space for
the extraordinary holograms of emotion that come and go during even a
single day as partners.
Exertion
When
I was getting married, I read a lot of books and articles about how to
have a successful relationship. I mean, look around. Not many people get
it right. I got so into the topic I even wrote one such book myself, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do.” (I like to prepare.)
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